Called To Serve
by janedoe15243
Summary: The summer after high school graduation Katniss finds herself on a downward spiral of hate and bitterness, until a handsome Mormon missionary by the name of Elder Mellark comes and offers her happiness. Will she take him up on it?
1. Prologue

We've sat on this rock a hundred times before watching the sunset but today it's different. Usually my dad will hold me close and talk to me about everything, he'd be so animated and engaging and generous with hugs. Today we sit together on this rock and he still holds me close but he's quiet.

It's nearly sunset, his favorite time of day, but instead of talking about the colors and weather patterns he sits there, staring off into the distance. It's when I see the tear roll down his cheek that I can't bear the silence anymore. "Do you think grandma's in heaven, dad?"

I know he heard me because he takes in a deep breath and refocuses his eyes but he doesn't speak for a few minutes. "I don't know Katty. She was such an amazing woman and I love her so much. In my heart I feel that where ever she is she's at peace, I just don't know what that place is."

For a moment I feel in my heart that she's at peace too, it just makes sense. She was always so kind, so happy. She'd been sick for so long and suffered so much that when she finally passed I knew that she was free. But where did she go? Was this the end of her? She loved God and took us to church many times. I know she believed that there was life after death, but what kind of life? Where? With who? Is she happy? Or it's she still suffering fire and brimstone? Was she good enough to go to heaven?

If she wasn't then I don't know who would be. But she loved God, and not the kind of "love" you show for someone who demands it and that scares you like some of the teachers at school. But she loved Him the way you love your mother, the way you love someone that is kind to you, that cares for you, that you talk to whenever you need to feel better about something. And I can't reconcile in my mind this kind God that she loved also welcoming her with endless torment, maybe somebody else, but not her. "Do you think she's with God?" I can't help but question, I wonder what she taught him, if he loved this God too.

I know my mother doesn't really believe in God, she's not like hateful toward him or anything and everyone always says how nice and wonderful my mother is, but sometimes it's hard for me to see it. She says that working in the hospital she sees too much pain and suffering to believe in a God that would allow that to happen. My dad doesn't openly disagree with her but I know he feels differently, he tells me every time we sit on this rock and watch the sunset.

"This whole world tells me that there is a God Katty. It's so beautiful and organized it doesn't make sense to me that we are here on accident. The way the earth spins at just the right as speed, how we are at the perfect distance from the sun, any closer and we'd burn up any further away and we'd freeze. Human beings are very delicate creatures we can only survive in very controlled conditions, there has to be a God running things out there somewhere, I just wish I knew who he is.

There have been people all over the world who find happiness in their God and trust me I've looked for him, I haven't found anyone out there with the truth that speaks to me yet but I think it's out there Katty. I think a God who created and governs this earth, who gave us family and friends to love, would want us to know him. Not so that we can be afraid of him but so that wr can love him and he can love us more openly. This is the God I'm waiting for and I'm looking really hard to find it and when I do I'll give it to you. I really hope one day to find but you have to promise me something Katty. You have to promise me that you'll look for it too and if you find it bring it to me ok?"

This speaks to me more than the chaos theory that my mom believes to be true. "She has to be. Any God who created her would have to want her back, he'd want that jewel back in his crown. I just hope that I can see her again, and in my heart I feel that I will. I think that any God that gives us family to love will allow us to be together forever. That's the truth I'm looking for Katty. That I can be with you and Prim and mom and grandma forever because honestly if we can't then this life doesn't seem worth it, and I can't bring myself to believe that."

I had never even thought that it was possible that we wouldn't be with our loved ones after we died, it had never even occurred to me. For the first time in my short life I allow myself to consider the idea that grandma is not with grandpa, that when I die I might not be go to be with my family. I push it away quickly that doesn't make any sense whatsoever. I can't live a life where that is true.

"I think we'll see her again dad. I can't live this life is that's not true." "Me either Katty. Did I ever tell you who first brought me here? Grandma. This was our secret spot only her and I came here. We'd come and watch the sunset together, talk about stuff. That's why it was my favorite time of day. But do you know why it's my favorite time of day now? Because this is our secret spot now."

Held against his warm body I feel his heartbeat, I feel so peaceful in this moment. Even though my grandma just died and that's difficult to deal with I feel peace right now, a warmth in my heart that only love can bring. Love for my father the love my father has for me the love we have for Prim and mom and grandma even though she's gone. And I just sit there comforted wishing we could stay in this moment forever.

"Oh look Katty!" My father all shouts, the sunset is one of the most beautiful I'd ever seen. Deep red at the horizon that streaks up to purple off the clouds and finally fades into a soft orange. Its amazing, and that's what I hear my father sniffle. It's not just a single tear anymore my father is openly crying. "What's wrong dad?" I thought this was supposed to be a happy moment between us.

"When grandma was sick, the last time I brought her out here, we saw the most amazing sunset and she told me that after she's gone whenever I saw an amazing sunset that that would be her way of telling me that she was ok and that she loved me." We sat there basking in grandma's love until the sun finally sunk behind the horizon.


	2. Chapter 1

It's raining; of course it's raining. It's not even cool, springy refreshing rain. No, it's hot, sticky, smelly rain. I honestly don't think that this day could get any worse. Most of the other kids don't even seem to notice that they are getting soaking wet, they just sit there, smiling like idiots waiting for Principal Coin to call their names so that they can officially be high school graduates.

I sit there too, waiting for that vile woman to call my name so I can walk across the stage, get a stupid piece of paper, shake her hand, and smile in her face like she actually contributed to my being able to graduate. I'm not going to lie, I'm lucky to be graduating, I made mostly C's and D's this last year, but hey "D's get degrees."

I didn't even want to be in the stupid graduation ceremony, I told them to just mail my diploma to my house, because I couldn't get out of there fast enough. But Gale wasn't hearing it, not that he wanted to sit in the hot rain any more than I did but he says that we've all sacrificed too much to get to this point to blow this off, and since he's still technically my legal guardian until my birthday in 3 weeks, I have to do what he says.

He likes to pull that card. I'm pulled out of my downward spiral of irritation by the disappointed voice of Principal Coin calling my name, "Katniss Everdeen!" I get out of my seat, make the short walk to the stage, take my diploma in my left hand and firmly grasp Principal Coin's hand with my right. We stare at each other for a brief second and squeeze each other's hands as tight as we can, she's wordlessly telling me that I should never have made it, my half smirk tells her that it's too late, I already did.

As much as I've been pissy about this whole event, when I hear my few family and friends cheering for me, I feel just a little bit warmer inside and can't help but smile. When it's finally over, I find the little group that came just for me. Prim runs over and hugs me around the middle, "I'm so proud of you," she squeals and tries to jump us both up and down.

I chuckle, "thanks little duck, I'm proud of you too." Gale carefully but protectively wraps his arms around both of us, resting his cheek on top of my head. He's the "strong but silent" type but I know that he's proud of me.

"So are we just going to starve to death in the rain or can we go to the Hob and eat already?" asks a half smiling but still grumpy Johanna Mason.

"You only like me for my food," answers an equally grumpy but smiling uncle Haymitch. "And your sparkling personality of course," quips Gale, letting us go and taking Johanna's hand.

We all saunter over to our cars, Prim and Haymitch riding in my car and Gale riding with Johanna. We head over to the Hob, the restaurant that my uncle Haymitch owns, and where I work, in fact I left my shift there to squeeze in my graduation and planned on resuming work right afterward, but I'm shocked when we arrive and I find that Haymitch has closed the restaurant for the night.

"What's wrong? Why is the restaurant closed?" I say to Haymitch, almost in a panic, this should have been a big business night for us, and besides, he never closes. "I thought it would be nice to just have a quiet celebration with my family tonight," he answers, nonchalantly, like it's no big deal.

"But what about all the customers you'll lose? Graduation is always a huge money making night!"

"Sweetheart, money isn't everything, we'll make it up next year. Besides, you work too much anyway. You did good, let us be proud of you," he wraps his arm around me, walking us to the door.

I scowl, "this isn't a good idea, and graduation isn't a big deal."

"Sure, whatever you have to tell yourself," he stops short, turning me to face him. "But seriously sweetheart, I'm really proud of you, we're all really proud of you. I know your mother is proud of you too, even though she can't show it."

"Haymitch, don't!" I growl at him.

"You know that's not what I'm trying to say. Look, I know you've had a rough time since your father passed, you've had to grow up fast, you've had to deal with things that no one should have to and you've had to do it as a child. Your life has sucked, no one is disputing that, but I just want you to be happy, we all want you to be happy, and letting hate and bitterness and resentment fester in your heart will never allow you to be happy."

"Is that what they teach you in AA?" I retort, he winces and I feel very clever but slightly pained for acting like this to him.

"As a matter of fact, it is, and make fun of it if you want, but I'll tell you what sweetheart, there are some people in my meetings that have suffered more than you could ever imagine, and guess what? They've managed let go of all that negativity and they are happy, so I know that it can happen for you too."

"Just like it's happened for you right, Haymitch?" I just can't stop myself.

"Well, we're all a work in progress aren't we? Now let's go eat, everyone is waiting."

Even though I still think that it was stupid to close the restaurant and lose all that money, it was still surprisingly nice to have everyone together for dinner and hanging out, so this is a win for Haymitch, even though I'll never tell him that. We stay for a few hours but then head home separately, I go to the grocery store before heading home alone.

I'm heading up the stairs to our apartment when I see a very drunk Cato standing in the doorway to his apartment. I groan on the inside and roll my eyes when he sees me, I have to pass in front of his door to get to my own and he's already got that stupid look on his face like I should be happy to see him. I'm not.

I ignore him and try to skate to my door as fast as I can, but after I pass him, he reaches out and grabs me by the waist in one hand and by the arm in the other. He pulls me back to him, and starts whispering in my ear, he smells like liquor and sweat and he makes me sick.

"You know girlie, you're out of high school now, you're all grown up. Why don't you come in and I'll celebrate with you," he hisses in my ear, spitting the whole time, this is so gross. I jerk my head quickly towards him as hard as I can and hit him right in the nose.

He lets me go and covers his nose with his hands, "you stupid cow!" Cato screeches at me while blood drips all over his fingers. I make my way to my own door as fast as I can, behind me he yells "you can't avoid me forever! You don't know what you're missing." Oh, I'm sure I do, and I'm sure I can.

Everyone is home tonight, which is unusual considering our different work/school/sleep schedules. Prim is always home at night, she's young and has regular school during the day. I used to have school, but now I just work nights at the Hob, but I guess with all my extra time during the day I'm going to have to look for another job.

Gale works the graveyard shift at the factory, so he sleeps during the day, and Johanna works as a medical assistant at the county psychiatric hospital. With so many varying schedules it can sometimes be days between when I see Gale or Johanna, and when they are home at the same time, they like to spend their time together in their room.

Prim sleeps in my bed with me, and because she's the youngest, with only school as her responsibility, I see her everyday. When I get home from the Hob around 10ish, she's usually up and we'll talk for about 45 minutes while I brush her hair and we get ready for bed. When my dad died 6 years ago, Prim was only 7 at the time, my mom completely shut down, laid in bed and stared out the window all day.

Everyone at her work knew what happened and tried to be supportive, but eventually they had to let her go at the hospital so they could hire someone who would actually show up for work. Prim was able to coax her to eat and drink something every few days, but Prim is kind and forgiving, unlike me.

I was 11 at the time and suddenly became the "adult" of the house, which meant getting Prim and myself to and from school everyday, keeping us fed, and oddly enough doing the finances. Between my father's life insurance and social security, we had enough coming in each month to pay the rent and utilities.

Unfortunately, there wasn't enough for anything else, no food, clothing, or even bus fare, so we starved and walked everywhere. The worst part was that when my father died so did Gale's father and Haymitch was still a raging alcoholic at the time so there was not only no one to help us but there was not even anyone to notice.

We went through the food in the pantry pretty quickly even though we tried to ration it , but eventually it became apparent that we weren't going to be able to last like this. Our lunches got smaller my dinner became pretty much non existent prim still was able to eat some but only after I told her that I had started getting free lunch at school which of course I didn't but she wouldn't have eaten otherwise she can be quite stubborn too actually.

It got to the point that I had taken to the dumpsters behind restaurant row after school most days. Sometimes the pickings were decent, sometimes not, it was after one of the particularly crappy days that it happened. The trash had just been picked up so there was going to be nothing to eat today.

I was so hungry that it felt like my stomach was going to turn in on itself. Acid started bubbling up into my throat I was dizzy and I had almost made it out of the alley into the main street when I collapsed against the last dumpster. I sat there just waiting, waiting for what, I don't know, but I knew I couldn't go home and face prim who would be hungry and disappointed that we wouldn't be able to feed mom.

If I had been able to think or focus properly I would have seen the two young women approach me with their dresses and little black name tags pinned on their shirts. I would have thought it weird that they were so dressed up while just walking around outside.

I would have heard what they asked me or said after they dropped a grocery bag into my lap. I would have felt the hand on my shoulder as they left but I couldn't notice any of that, all I saw was the grocery bag. In it were two turkey sandwiches both with lettuce and tomato two small bags of chips two apples and two little bags of juice.

How did they knew that there was two of us?

It didn't occur to me until later that these were homemade lunches, which meant that they must have been the lunches that these girls had planned on eating themselves. I wondered what they did for lunch since they have me theirs.

Did they buy something somewhere else? Did they just go without? I opened the sandwich as fast as I could and shoved it into my mouth. It was glorious. I ate it drank the juice and then waited as I slowly regained my thoughts.

Finally I was able to think clearly for the first time in months, I could see straight and I just sat there by the dumpster and thought about what I was going to do. This couldn't continue we couldn't keep living this way. No matter how much me or Prim begged, my mother would not even look at us she wouldn't come back and even if she did they had already fired her from the hospital.

No she wasn't to be trusted, if we were going to eat it was going to be up to me. It was then that I realized where I was. Yes I was going threw the dumpsters but they were the dumpsters behind restaurant row. I had been here before with my father. Not going threw the trash of course but actually inside.

My father had brought me here when he worked odd jobs at the bakery. He was friends with the owner Mr. Undersee and he ran errands for him on the side as sort of a part time job.

I suddenly realized that with my father's untimely death he might have lost not only a friend but also a quasi employee and I wondered if he would allow me to take over my father's responsibilities so I could earn some extra money.

And by some sort of miracle he did. I did odd jobs for him around the bakery, organizing, cleaning, decorating, even some deliveries. And soon it wasn't just him, it was the whole restaurant row that I started being the gopher for. The pay was decent but the best part was that on my way home every night I stopped by to collect some left over food they were going to throw out and that was enough to feed me, Prim and my mother.

Everything was going pretty well until about 4 years after my father passed. My mother hadn't really shown any signs of change. Sure she wasn't really aware or engaged in anything but that was at least her constant state of being. I went right to the restaurants after school and stayed out until after 9 working.

I remember I had brought home two sirloin steaks well done with mashed potatoes, gravy and mixed veggies. It was a feast for sure and I was so excited to show Prim but I knew something was wrong the minute I turned my key into the doorknob and it wasn't locked.

Prim always locked the door it wasn't safe not to but tonight I could have just walked right in and I did, to find Prim laying unconscious on the floor in front of the tv. I panicked my mother was in her usual catatonic state she hadn't noticed that her youngest daughter had passed out.

I called 911. The paramedics came, the firemen came, the police came.

"How long has she been unconscious?"

"I dont know I just got home and found her like this."

"Does she have any medical conditions?"

"No I don't think so this has never happened before."

"Where are your parents?"

Oh crap.

Prim's seizure and hospitalization caused quite the stir in the family and thankfully the people around us finally responded. It didn't take long for the paramedics to find a catatonic woman who had obviously been lying in bed for a very long time.

The sad part was that she didn't even put up a fight when they carried her out to the ambulance. She actually clung to the one who picked her up and called him by my father's name, "Ben, I've missed you. I love you please don't leave again."

Yeah the look they gave me as they carried her out the door was one of pity and I hate that. The next few weeks consisted of evaluations and hearings and "custody assignments."

My mom was released from the hospital but only under the care of her sister Hazelle, Gale's mom. She wanted to take us too but she was also raising 4 children while trying to survive in her dead husband's social security.

Prim and I wouldn't have been able to stay together in the system. I was too old and "traumatized" but Prim was cute and funny and engaging. My mom's brother Haymitch stepped up and offered to take custody of us but he was denied because of his alcoholism and flailing restaurant.

For all their faults I do have to say that my family did step up and do the best they could at the time. Unlike my mother who just ignored us, Haymitch and Hazelle worked tirelessly to find a solution that would be best for Prim and me even if they couldn't do it themselves.

The solution that was finally agreed upon was that my cousin Gale who had just turned 21 would take custody of me and Prim, leaving Hazelle's house and moving into our apartment and my mom would move into his old room.

Gale's job could support us better and my dad's social security would easy Hazelles burden. Looking back it probably wasn't ideal for Gale to suddenly become a single father to two teenage girls but he did it. He provided us safety and food and most of all he allowed us to stay together.

They determined that Prim's seizure was caused by anemia and she had to have 2 blood transfusions. Now she just has to take iron pills, eat more iron rich foods, and take care of herself. It seems kind of anti climactic after everything that that one episode caused to just say "here take some pills and you'll be fine," but that's what happened.

It took a few weeks to readjust to Gale as our guardian, he wasn't thrilled at the idea of me staying out late non-commitally working for random businesses, at least that's how he saw it. He approached our uncle Haymitch who had been devastated by his denial of guardianship.

Gale told him to get his act together and hire me full time to get me out of the streets. And to his credit Haymitch did. He didn't realize what we had been doing to survive, he didn't know that I had been walking home in the dark, he didn't know that Prim stayed home alone most of the time while I was at work, unless you consider my mother taking care of her, which obviously I don't.

When he finally understood what had been happening right under his nose, he dumped out his liquor and went to an AA meeting the next morning. And that afternoon. And that evening. He kept up 3 meetings a day for almost a year until he was able to cut back to 2 and finally he's down to just 1 meeting, every morning.

I didn't really know him while he was drinking but now that he's sober he's ok. Kind of surly and sarcastic and to be totally honest, exactly like me. That's why he trusted me and Sae to run the Hob while he spent most of the first year at AA meetings.

That's why he trusted me to drive his car to and from school and work everyday even though I was only 15 and that's why now he feels like he can give me life advice.

Prim is very well liked at school but unfortunately for her after our little problem a few years ago we've become quite the private family. We don't need any outsiders intruding in our lives and calling authorities of any sort. She doesn't have people over to the house and she's not really allowed to go many places unless Gale, Johanna, or myself meet and approve of who she wants to hang out since we all work its difficult for her to get anyone to meet her friends and I know that's frustrating for her but we're pretty overprotective.

So that's why I'm shocked when I walk in to the apartment on a Tuesday night around dinner time to find Prim babbling with another little blond girl and what appears to be her mother. "Oh Katniss I'm so glad your home in time!"

She knows I don't know what she's talking about and she can tell by my expression that my patience is running low tonight. "Katniss this is my friend from school Delly Cartwright and her mother Angela. They have invited me to an end of school swim party tonight at their friends house and I really want to go. Can I please?"

Let me think, I don't know these people and I don't know this friend with the pool. They seem nice enough but I don't really have interest in spending the rest of the night making sure Prim's safe and having fun. "No."

Her voice gets higher "Katniss please I sit here in this house every night and do nothing," I shoot her a death glare reminding her not to bring up family business in front of strangers. Seeing my irritation she quickly walks into the kitchen out of the prying eyes of the guests.

"I've known Delly for the last 2 years in school, we have classes together. I've never been able to hang out with her before but you've graduated now and you don't work tonight. Please let me do this!"

I'm struck with a sense of guilt she's right she does sit at home every night and does nothing. Most 14 year olds would have taken to sneaking out, partying, rebelling against the super strict rules of her guardians, but not Prim. She consistently spends her nights doing homework, everyone's laundry, cooking dinner, cleaning the apartment, and waiting up for her usually grumpy sister. She's losing her childhood as much as I did just in a different way. Seeing me begin to relent she drags me back over to the Cartwrights.

"Whose house is this swim party at? How do you know them?" I ask gruffly. I still have to act though just to make sure they know I'm not to be messed with. But Angela is completely unphased by my aggression it's actually a little unnerving.

"It's a church activity for our youth at one of the members homes. We're going to have a BBQ and swim and have a blast. In fact you should come with us."

Church? Well at least that means that there's not likely to be any alcohol drugs or random making out. "Oh that's a great idea Katniss! Please come then you can meet everyone and maybe even have some fun."

Oh no!

Turning to Delly Prim whispers not so quietly "my sister is a little uptight."

"Prim!" I roll my eyes and appear very irritated but inside I'm thinking that swimming might not be so bad and free BBQ. Free is my favorite price. And really how bad could it be? I'll go eat some food maybe swim and scowl and they will leave me alone. Plus I'll be able to watch Prim and make sure she's safe.

"Please Katniss please let's go together it will be so much fun. It's so hot outside and I'm starving."

"Fine." I turn to go get my stuff but at the last minute turn back to Angela.

"Wait what church is it?"

"We're Mormon."

A/N – To the guest reviewer, yes I'm Mormon.


	3. Chapter 2

I follow Angela to the house. Prim had insisted that Delly ride with us and they sat in the back seat babbling and giggling the whole way. As irritating as the noise was it was so nice to hear Prim happy. Her and Delly were obviously good friends but. I was ripped from my happy thoughts when Angela parked in front of the nicest house I had ever seen.

What are we doing here? They are going to call the cops on us. To my dismay she got out of her car and started taking stuff out of her trunk like she intended to stay here. The girls start to get out of the car and I panic. "What are you doing? Get back in the car!" I practically scream at them. At least Prim's shock mirrors my own so I don't feel like a complete psycho.

Delly is just as oblivious to our discomfort as her mother "we're here, this is where we are swimming." Oh crap. As much as I want to get back in the car and drive away I realize that Prim has already started for the door and I couldn't get her back into the car without causing a scene.

I grab my stuff and follow them hoping not to get thrown out when we step inside. There's already several people there already, the kids are mostly all in the pool while the adults mill about chatting and cooking very much like what I would expect a casual BBQ to be except for the fact that this house is easily the most luxurious one I've ever been in. I concentrate on not breaking anything.

My stomach drops as I see that a woman who was rinsing salad has discovered me and she dries her hands and comes over to me. Oh no, this is it she's going to make a scene and ask me to leave. This will embarrass Prim so much, we shouldn't have even come.

"Hi I'm sister Dalton. Thank you for coming."

What? Blink blink.

"Ummm... thank you for having us?"

"Oh Did you come with someone?"

Do you let random strangers into your house to swim? "Uhh... yeah my sister Prim is friends with Delly Cartwright, she invited us."

"Oh good, well welcome. Make yourselves at home."

"This is your house?!" I try to sound nonchalant about it but it comes out more as a strangled scream. "I mean... it's beautiful."

She laughs a little bit and I'm glad she's not offended but I don't love being the butt of her joke.

"Yes it's quite something isn't it? Come on, I'll give you a tour." She starts to walk down the hallway.

"Oh no," I shout after her, "that's ok, I'll just admire it from a distance, thank you though." The last thing I need is to be accused of stealing something.

"Ok fair enough maybe next time. Everyone is outside, the food should be ready so help yourself," and with that she goes back to making her salad.

For her part Prim has completely recovered from any awkwardness she felt because she's now in the water and splashing around with Delly. She apparently knows more of the kids from school I assume. I take a seat in the back far away from everyone hoping to just get through the next hour so I can tell Prim its time to go.

The small amount of excitement I might have felt at home is completely gone and replaced with a feeling of discomfort. I don't belong here, in this nice house, with people who are chatting and friendly. They should be chasing me out with a broom, not offering me tours of their mansion. I sit there for a few minutes trying as hard as I can to blend in with the shrubbery when a mid fifties woman with a blond bob hair cut and perfect make up comes over with two plates of food.

One with half a hamburger and some salad the other with a fully loaded hamburger a huge handful of chips and some cut up fruit.

"I didn't know what you'd like so I brought some of everything," she said as she sat down. She didn't sit directly across from me like I expected her to but instead sat off to my left side, which I found odd. Maybe I'm reading too much into it but most adults sit across from me in order to make sure that all their words of wisdom are fully appreciated, and this gesture made me wonder if she was planning to lecture me at all.

She slid the food over to me and I'm not going to lie I was hungry. "Thank you," I tried to respond as softly as I could, I really don't want to make any more conversation than absolutely necessary. She asked me a few questions about myself, about Prim, about my plans now that I was done with school. She seemed nice enough but I really am not interested in anyone else getting involved in our lives, so I tried to be polite but short and she took the hint.

We sat there in silence while we ate but eventually she got up and said that it was nice to have met me and I could help myself to anything to eat that I wanted. Prim was having so much fun that I couldn't drag her away as soon as I wanted so I sat in the corner and played on my phone.

The people around me got the message and left me alone and finally, finally, it was late enough that everyone started to leave.

"Thank you so much for coming, Prim had such a great time. I know there weren't many kids your age to hang out with, so that's frustrating but I hope you'll come again soon."

Why would you want me to come back? This is really weird. "Thank you for inviting us," I quietly answered as I started backing towards the door. "Katniss, Delly invited me to go to church with her on Sunday and then go over to her house for lunch after. Can I please?"

"No, you know I work all day on Sundays."

"They said that they would pick me up and drop me off."

"Still no, I don't know where they live or where this church is."

"If I get their address and the place of the church will you let me go? You're not going to have to do anything and everyone's going to be gone to work anyway so why can't I? I don't want to stay home alone anymore if I don't have to!"

She's starting to get a little worked up which is unusual for her and she has a point but still, "I'll have to talk to Gale about it."

"Fine," she says a little bit snappier than I would like. The ride home was a little bit awkward

"I don't understand why you're being like this. Didn't you have fun at the pool party?"

"If by fun you mean I got free food and beat like 7 levels on my game then yes I had a great time!"

"Everyone was so nice to you even though you gave them nothing but hateful attitude. There were no crazy things going on they don't drink they don't smoke they don't do drugs they don't even really hold hands or anything. I'm a good kid I make good choices and you treat me like I'm an idiot that needs to be locked away all the time."

I'm so shocked at her sudden hostility that I have to sit in the car for a minute after we get home to regroup and walking into the house I have a battle field on my hands because now she's gotten a barely awake getting ready for work Gale involved.

"Why can't she go to church with her friend Katniss?"

"I didn't say she couldn't I just said that we'd have to talk it over!"

Prim knows this is the time for her to give us some privacy and ducks into her bedroom, because if Gale is going to undo my decision it's best if she's not here to see it.

"She said she had a lot of fun tonight and I don't like her spending her weekends here alone while we work."

"I told her she could come work with my at the Hob."

"Katniss that's not the frickin point. She needs to be a kid you need to be a kid. I work hard to give us a life so that you can breathe a little bit. Look I was 17 when our dad's died I got to have a childhood a really good one in fact and I'm sorry that I was so self centered that I didn't see what was happening with your mom until prim got sick but I can't change anything that happened in the past I can only work my butt off to give you and your sister a life where you can be happy and it drives me crazy to watch you throw that away with both hands and wallow in self pity and not do anything to grow."

He seems to miss the shock on my face, Gale never talks this much and he never talks like this. I realize that he must have had this bottled up inside for quite some time and has just been waiting for his chance to let it all out and unfortunately for me his chance is now.

Finally recognizing that I'm totally taken aback, he softens his tone and steps toward me a little bit.

"She's a good kid Katniss. You've done really well with her. It's just church with friends from school, where she's doing great by the way. It will be good for her to branch out. And I want you to try and branch out too, make some new friends, try a new hobby, and for the love of all that's holy go to college. You've sacrificed so much to get you guys where you are and you've done a great job, now focus on yourself and let someone else take care of you for once."

He moves into hug me because really this is the most tender moment we've ever had and I almost allow it, until he says the unthinkable "your father wouldn't have wanted this for you. He would have wanted you to be happy and he definitely would have wanted you to go to college."

This is what pushes me over the edge, I'm so furious at his implication that I'm disappointing my father that I push past him and slam the door on my way out. I know exactly where in going when I get into the car.

It's already dark outside so I can't exactly go tromping through the woods to get to my special spot but I can sit in my car in the little dirt parking lot that over looks the valley just above where my father's special rock is. I know this view, I know what's just below me because I've sat there a hundred times before. Angry bitter tears sting my face as they leave my eyes. I'm so furious with Gale, what he's my knight in shining armor going to swoop in and save the poor pathetic girl who can't even take care of her self and her little sister?

It's too dark to really even see anything and I'm too furious to reflect or even really think clearly. He wants me to branch out? Ok I know exactly who to call, and sure enough my friend Clove is having a little get together with some friends and invites me over.

There are about 20 people at her house, which is a little bit more than I expected for a Tuesday night but whatever. She hands me a beer but I tell her tonight is not a beer night, I'm doing shots. I'm about 3 shots I'm when I take my first break to finally assess who's actually here. There are a few kids from school that I recognize but it's Cato who catches my eye. My stomach lurches as he sees me and makes his way over. He's way more than 3 shots in.

"Hey Everdeen, come to mingle with the common folk tonight huh?"

I wonder if he's still mad about his nose. "You still trying to get the common folk to accept you as one of their own?"

His smile falters slightly, "oh you're feisty I like that. That will make this fun. Let's do some shots."

"Yeah let's do some more shots" Clove yells over the music.

The game starts and I'm 4 more shots in before I have to go sit on the couch. I've been here less than an hour and I'm already trashed.

Cato must see his opportunity because he's suddenly sitting next to me slurring and touching my leg. I want to scream at him to get off of me but I also want the distraction so I allow it. He starts pawing at me like a hungry dog and when he grabs the back of my neck pulling me to him, I kiss him back until I feel the need to puke about 3 seconds later.

I take off to the bathroom and puke my guts out. As my throat and eyes burn I finally acknowledge the empty feeling in my chest. What am I doing? Drinking and Making out with Cato Because I'm mad at Gale? Why? Because he's right? Fair questions, just not ones I can or want to deal with right now. One last heave into the porcelain God and everything goes black.

I slowly wake up to a buzzing sound but I have no idea what it could be. It buzzes for several minutes before I'm awake enough to open my eyes and look for it. The sun is bright and my face is sticky from drool. As my eyes crack open, I realize that I'm on the couch, asleep on Cato's chest, oh crap. I'm finally able to fish my phone out of my pocket. My eyes take their sweet time focusing, but I'm able to see that I have 14 missed calls before the buzzing starts again.

Crap, it's Gale.

I don't even have to say anything, he knows I've answered "where are you?!" He's furious.

"Cloves."

"Don't you freakin move until I get there!" Click.

I must fall back asleep because the next sound I hear is a pounding at the door so loud and furious that I know today is going to suck. I get up and open the door and I can tell by the reaction from Gale that I am a hot mess.

Stupidly, Cato decides that this is the time to make his presence known. Adjusting his belt in a suggestive manner he taunts "Come to collect your trash Hawthorne? Can't say I didn't enjoy myself with it though."

Really bad move. Gale takes two steps, snatched Cato up by the collar and pushes him into the wall so hard it knocks the wind out of him. "If you ever come near my family again, I'll end you." Gale drops Cato into a heap on the floor and grabs me by the arm dragging me into his car.

"What about my car?"

"Leave it."

This is bad. The ride home is completely silent, Gales face is bright red and I know I've messed up. This wasn't the first party I've ever been to but it was the first time I ran away to forget. This is the first time I've just not come home. To make matters worse I know he just got home from the graveyard shift and I know he's tired.

We get into the house and it's my turn to get cornered. Gale doesn't snatch me up like he did to Cato, he'd never be physical with us like that, and honestly he's not usually angry with us either but I guess he's making an exception for me today. "Don't you ever do anything like that again."

I know I messed up but I'm still furious at him. I'm about to scream back but it's when prim runs into my arms crying that my resolve to be awful melts. It's obvious that she's been crying all night and when I check my phone 12 of the 14 missed calls were from her. Man I suck as a human being. Prim drags me into the room and waits as I put pajamas on brush my teeth and wash my face. It's morning but neither of us got much rest last night so we're going to take a little nap. We climb in bed like we normally do but this time Prim snuggles into me so tightly that I know she was desperately upset when I didn't come home last night.

After a few minutes of lying there she starts to sob quietly into my shoulder and I can't help but let a few tears roll myself. The empty feeling in my chest comes back with a vengeance as I hold my little sister while she cries. We've laid on the bed like this many times, her snuggled up to me, my arms pulling her close while she cries, grieving our lost time and family and I let a few silent tears fall as well. We've perfected this but now it's different.

Usually Prim's heart hurts for us because we miss our dad, because we miss our mom, because we've been dealt an unfair hand at life's poker table. But today she's heart broken because of me, I did this because I didn't come home last night and she was worried and rightly so, I'm lucky that nothing awful happened, that I wasn't hurt, it doesn't work out that way for so many girls and it would be naive of me to think that I couldn't be one of them.

Why? Why did I do that? Because I was mad and why was I mad? Because Gale had some valid points and now is the time that I have to deal with the questions that I tried to ignore while I threw up last night. Would my father be disappointed in me? Part of me says yes and part of me says no. He'd be proud that I graduated, he'd be proud of how I was able to take care of Prim and my mom after he died, he'd be grateful for that. But I have a feeling that he wouldn't be happy with the price I had to pay for it, the anger, the bitterness, the resentment.

He would want me to be happy he would want me to date and find someone to share my life with, he would want me to go to college and work in a field that I'm passionate about, one that I would find fulfilling. And so far I haven't been doing a really good job at that and I don't even know how to be happy.

I think about what does make me happy. Prim makes me happy and thats about it. I think about what makes other people happy? Gale and Johanna are happy with each other, Haymitch is happy being sober, Sae is happy with her granddaughter. Prim is happy being friends with people and helping them. Even Johanna, though loud and obscene and obnoxious seems happier than me, what's the difference between us? I think back to what Haymitch said about the people he goes to AA with who are happy now because they let go of their anger and bitterness.

But how will I know what makes me happy? "Why don't you do an experiment?" Asks the voice in my head that sounds like my father.

"What kind of experiment?"

"Well, if your not sure what will make you happy, then why don't you decide to change one thing in your life and then see how it makes you feel. If it makes you feel good, then keep it, if it doesn't, then get rid of it."

That actually makes a lot of sense. There's no commitment to anything I'm not confident about and I decide that I'm going to do it, and that makes me happy, so I conclude that this experiment is what I need, because I'm desperately unhappy. And it's with that thought that I drift off to sleep.


	4. Chapter 3

I start off my little happiness experiment slowly, I figured I'm more likely to have success if I don't overwhelm myself. My first experiment is to stop being angry. I don't have to be nice, I don't have to do anything that I don't want to do, I just have to not be actively angry.

Prim almost fell out of her chair the first day when I returned her "good morning" with one of my own. The smiles came easier, the conversation flowed freer, and I realized that I've spent so much time and energy on myself that I don't really even know my sister. She's funny and engaging and smart and animated and I'd been missing this the whole time.

Johanna was even more shocked when I asked her if I could go with her to her yoga class she agreed and even though the car ride was awkward we ended up having a good time. I wasn't going out of my way to be nice or friendly or anything, but I started to see how exhausting anger, bitterness, and resentment are. I didn't have more energy physically but emotionally I felt free.

Over the next few weeks the feeling in the house changed and I don't know if he was avoiding me or if it was just a coincidence, but the first time I saw Gale after our blow up was when he came home from work and caught all three of us girls eating breakfast in the living room, laughing, while Prim told a story about the ugly cat that lives in the alley named buttercup. He opened the door and took in the scene of his notoriously grumpy cousin and standoffish girlfriend smiling and laughing hysterically at a cat story. The shock on his face was obvious and it looked like he was about to bolt and I knew this had gone on long enough.

I stood up suddenly, ran over and gave him a hug. "Hi Gale, how was work?" He was still for a minute, searching my face, looking for some indication that this was a joke but I was serious and he finally saw that. "It was fine Catnip, thanks." Prim and Johanna had cleared the room pretty quickly which I appreciated.

"Hey look Gale, I'm sorry for being an idiot and thanks for coming to get me the other night."

"No sweat Catnip, please, just don't do anything like that again. I don't want to have to kill Cato and go to jail."

We both laugh a little bit and I know we're ok now.

It turns out that I really like yoga and that I really like Johanna too. We've only lived together for 2 years, so it's about time I figured that out. We are actually more alike than not, so it weird that Gale likes her, must be some weird Freudian thing.

And I've also found another new love, archery. Yeah I know it's weird, but while sitting on the rock the other day, I remembered my father having a bow and arrows so I fished it out and went down to the big sporting goods store and talked to the archery guy about lessons and tips. So between the classes that they have at the store and practicing in the woods alone, I've actually gotten pretty good. Prim has been spending a lot of time with Delly which I think is good, she's nice, she picks up Prim for church on Sundays and on Tuesdays as well for some youth group activity, she likes it so whatever. It doesn't disrupt my routine in anyway and Prim hasn't mentioned it, probably because of the firestorm that it set off last time, which I still feel bad about. The only reason that I remembered that she's been doing the church thing is because of the announcement that Delly her mom and another girl were coming over for dinner tonight with some missionaries and she wanted me to meet them.

I was pretty irritated and almost had a tantrum until I remembered that that was old unhappy Katniss, and that I knew I would regret making Prim feel bad about this, so I told her "ok I'll be here, but don't plan on me cooking anything."

She's hesitant when she asked, but my answer makes her beam, "Oh thank you Katniss! Its totally covered, don't worry about it."

"Why do you want me to meet the missionaries?"

"Oh you'll see," was her cryptic reply and she said it while half smiling to herself.

When I answered the door right before dinner, I knew immediately why she wanted me to meet them. Before me stood the two hottest guys I've ever seen in my life. One was taller with bronze hair and green eyes and the biggest, widest, most cheesy smile I've ever seen. He looked like a Greek god. The other was shorter with broad shoulders blonde hair and piercing blue eyes. Both were absolutely stunning.

The greek spoke first extending his hand, "Hi I'm Elder Odair from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints." I shook his hand as the other one spoke, "and I'm Elder Mellark." I shook his hand too and stood there slack jawed like an idiot until Prim interrupted "please come in."

They came in followed by Delly and Angela and a beautiful but quiet red haired girl, "hi I'm Annie." The three other Women were carrying trays of food. Two minutes ago everything was quiet and now suddenly the whole apartment is full of people, strange smiling people, who all apparently know each other and who know Prim. Its like I'm an outsider in my own home and its kind of a weird feeling.

Eventually they all make their way over to me, each shaking my hand and introducing themselves. I get to meet the Elders again. Weird, they both have the same bizarre first name. The food is placed in the kitchen and everyone starts to help themselves. The apartment is small and there are a lot of people, so everyone groups off and mills around, eating while standing up. I'm literally in the corner trying to avoid the taller guy. He is a bit too handsome, if that makes sense and he's pretty outgoing too, which, as a combination is a little bit too much for me altogether. He's animatedly talking to Annie and Prim, he's actually putting on quite a show and I'm so focused on him that I don't even notice Elder Mellark approach me.

"Hi, Katniss right?"

"Uh, yeah hi."

"Thanks for inviting us over, it's great to meet new people and have great food."

"Well I didn't invite you guys, Prim did."

His expression falters for just a second and I know that I sounded rude. I suck at words. "But you're welcome."

We eat in awkward silence for a few minutes before my brain screams at me, "so missionaries huh?"

"Yeah, we leave our family for 2 years so that other people can be with theirs forever."

At the mention of family my heart clinches. I've had this conversation before... with my father. Choking on my food I ask "what do you mean so other people can be with their families forever?"

"Well, Prim obviously loves you very much and I assume that you feel the same way about her," waiting for me to answer.

"Yeah of course I do. She's my life."

"Do you think you'll be able to see her again after you die?"

I'm shocked, this idea is so natural yet so bold at the same time.

"I do, I do think I'll see her again," I answered him confidently but then just as quietly "I couldn't live this life if that wasn't true."

"Well lucky for you, all of us really, families are forever. Those we love in this life can be with us in the next life to. God gave us families to be happy. What kind of monster would give us people to love here then take them away forever after we got attached?"

I'm stunned into silence everything he's saying makes complete sense but I've only heard these ideas whispered as hopes and concepts by people desperate for the truth. I've never heard anyone know of these things with such a surety and declare them with such confidence. I've stopped eating and am openly staring at him now. Who is he? Why is he here? To just come into my house and say these things like they are common sense like they are universal truths that everyone should know like this is basic knowledge. I can't answer him so I just stare, replaying my conversations with my father in my head.

Remarkably it's Johanna who pulls me out of my own head when she comes through the door and, always the one for tact, shouts to Prim, "girl, you were right, these boys are hot!"

Both Prim and Mellark blush bright red but Odair just grins and without missing a beat replies, "well, we try not to disappoint. Glad to see we didn't," and winked at Johanna.

She rolls her eyes and says, "You must be the handsome, cocky one,"

"Right again," man he's good at this.

"Well, where's the other one?"

"Hi I'm Elder Mellark nice to meet," he answers, hand extended. I don't know what kind of mood she's in, or if this is just the way she is and I realize that I've missed it, being so self centered this whole time, but she gently takes Mellark's hand and does a curtsy "So proper, my pleasure your majesty."

There's silence for a few seconds while everyone tries to gauge her level of inappropriateness but when Mellark starts laughing we all can't help but start rolling. After busting up for a few minutes the mood is lightened and even the seriousness of our previous conversation has evaporated, even though what he said still stuck in the back of my mind.

I've seen Jo manage to ruin many gatherings with her antics, but in retrospect, it wasn't because she was so out of line, she's only moderately inappropriate, but it usually comes when someone takes themselves too seriously. So, I'm glad that Mellark isn't in that "too serious" or "holier than thou" boat, because that would make dinner pretty awkward.

But Jo just can't help herself, so she continues, getting remarkably close to his face, faking a southern accent, a la Scarlett Ohara, "well, my stars, you have the bluest eyes I ever did see! Much hotter than 'Old Blue Eyes' himself, so I'm going to call you Frankie, after Mr. Frank Sinatra."

"uhhhhhh….." was the only reply that he could come up with, this has to be the weirdest dinner that he's ever had, and while so far he's shown himself to be keeping up, I wonder just how much weirdness this one sheltered missionary could handle before he runs away screaming, and it looks like we're on track to find out.

Thankfully, Jo's hungry, so while she stuffs her mouth with food, she's quiet, well quieter. "So are you guys like married to Jesus for life or what?" food falling out of her mouth while she speaks, I wonder if she's doing this on purpose, I mean I've seen her do the Johanna show many times before, but this seems to be a her all time best.

It's Odair who speaks up this time, giving Annie an interesting look that I can't quite place, "no, we're only out for 2 years, then we go home, get married, and make little Mormon babies."

This was a surprise to me, even though now it occurs to me that Mellark had said something about leaving his family for 2 years, I wasn't exactly listening to him yet.

Genuinely surprised, Jo asks "really? How long do you guys have left?"

"I only have 6 weeks left, but Elder Mellark has about 4 months. Usually they don't pair up two short timers but we were a little bit short on people this time around."

"So then you'll just go home and what?"

"Well ideally probably go to college, get married, have kids, gets jobs, and live happily ever after."

"So where are you from?" I blurt out from the corner.

Everyone turns to look at me and I look away blushing slightly. In his best southern accent, Elder Odair answers first "well I'm from Corpus Christi, Texas ma'am. My family owns a fishing company out of there."

"So you're more pirate than cowboy?" Jo fits right in.

"Why can't I be a little bit of both?" This guy is too much.

"And what about you blue eyes?"

"I'm from Idaho. We have a bakery in a small town there," and oddly enough instead of beaming with pride like his friend Mellark answers quietly and looks away. Very interesting contrast from the man who had only a few minutes ago stated with confidence something that I'd only considered fantasy. This sudden insight to himself makes me wonder what his demons are, they obviously have to do with his family. But as quickly as he sunk into himself he came back.

"So why did you pick to come here?"

"We don't get to pick where we go, none of us do, we are assigned."

"Wait, they just what? Send letters to all the boys who are old enough telling them where to go?"

"No actually after you reach a certain age you can request to go on a mission and you have to submit paperwork and then they assign you a place. And girls can go on missions too. Annie was actually a missionary."

Annie spoke up "yeah, I went on a mission to Japan. I've been back about 6 months actually."

"They send missionaries to Japan?!" All joking had gone now and we are all engaged in this conversation even if Jo is the one doing the most talking.

"Yeah, the church sends missionaries all over the world."

"So, to be clear, young men and women leave their homes for 2 years and get sent to who knows where, to put on those flashy name badges and talk to people about your Jesus then? You must get paid really well."

Both Elders softly chuckle but it's Mellark who speaks "actually, we pay to go on a mission."

With that the room had been effectively silenced. I'm sure that Delly, Angela, and especially Annie knew all this before but they are kind enough to stay quiet while this info fully sinks in for the rest of us. It's again Johanna who breaks the silence, "but why?"

The humor is gone from his answer when he says solemnly "we do all that because the gospel of Jesus Christ has changed our lives. It has given us joy and comfort and peace when nothing else could and we want that same happiness for other people."

We all just stare at the boys until this Elder Mellark breaks in, "can we share a message with you?"

Prim finally croaks out "sure."

"The reason we come out on these missions is to tell the world that God loves each and every one of us. He knows us individually and wants us to be happy. God created a plan so that we could come to earth, learn lessons, form families, and then return to him one day. He gave his Son Jesus Christ so for that to happen. There has been several times throughout history when God has established his church in order to teach the people his commandments and to help them be happy. He did this with Adam, Noah, Moses, and when he came down himself, Christ established his church and taught the people his gospel. But like the people always have, they rejected his message and killed him and killed his apostles and when that happened, God's authority was taken from the earth and many basic gospel truths were lost. But our message today is that the gospel of Jesus Christ and the church that he established while he was on the earth has been restored, he brought it back and has given us the opportunity as a people, to accept his message and be happy. That's why we came out here that's our message."

All the noise must have been too much because suddenly, there's a disheveled and irritated Gale standing in the doorway to the hall, shirtless wearing only basketball shorts and red faced when he sees all the strangers in his house, who are basically seeing him naked. Sensing that perhaps this wasn't the best way for Gale to be awoken but wanting to defuse the growing tension, Prim jumps up and runs to him, hugging him tightly around the middle. She takes him by the hand, oblivious to the fact that he might be uncomfortable in his shirtless state and starts introducing him to everyone.

After meeting Angela, Gale pulls his hand back and thankfully, instead of having a fit, Gale whispers, "ok, give me just a second Prim." I look over to Johanna who seems to relieved as well, Gale isn't hot tempered, but he is quiet and "broody" and he doesn't like to have people he doesn't know over to his house, especially 5 at one time, two of them being grown men, good looking ones at that. I don't know much about men but Haymitch has told me that guys need to mark their territory and they approach other men in certain ways, he called it posturing, and Gale is the king of posturing, so this could have gone badly.

Gale runs back and a few seconds later he re emerges wearing a shirt and sits down on the arm of the chair where Jo is sitting. Apparently, knowing the "man rules" Elder Mellark is on his feet immediately, hand out stretched "sorry about that man, I'm Elder Mellark with the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints."

Gale takes his hand and shakes it firmly but dominantly, men, this is so stupid. Elder Odair is right behind him, shaking hands with Gale, "and I'm Elder Odair, thanks so much for letting us into your home."

I gape at him in shock; this is a far cry from the confident outgoing man that was bantering with Johanna just a few minutes ago. This must be some sort of dominance play, them recognizing Gale as the head of the household, it's confusing and irritating and really interesting to watch. Turning to Gale, Elder Mellark starts again, "we were just asking if it was ok if we shared a short message with you and your family."

"Um… ok," Gale answered, I'm not sure what he expected but it wasn't this. To be honest, I wasn't expecting this tonight either.

Elder Odair picks up, "great thanks so much for your time." This is a seamless presentation and it makes me wonder how they have become so polished at it together. "Can I start by asking a questions?" He turns to Gale as if for an answer and is met with a blank face, which I hope he takes as a "yes"… he does.

Turning to address the whole room, Elder Odair asks "Do you believe in God and his Son Jesus Christ?"

I honestly have no idea where this is going, I've never done anything like this before. Johanna answers "I've heard of them before." Then out of nowhere Elder Mellark turns to me and gently asks "what about you Katniss?"

Shaken as all eyes turn to me, I stutter back "I… I uhh… I don't…. I don't know."

"Do you believe that it's possible?"

"I guess."

As Elder Odair continues to the group, Elder Mellark just looks at me, "Our message today is that there is a God, that he is our Heavenly Father and that he knows and loves us each individually and that he's prepared a way for us to return to live with him again." Johanna shifts nervously in her chair and she's got her "I'm going to make a scene" face on, but she doesn't, and I know she's not afraid to, I've seen her do it many times before so I wonder what's holding her back this time.

Oblivious, Elder Mellark seamlessly takes over

"God is the Father of our spirits, he loves us and wants us to make good choices so that we can be happy. God gave us families because they are ordained of him, and they are designed for us to teach, learn, and live in the gospel. Families are the most important social unit and time and can last for all eternity. The family can be a place of safety, peace, and joy.

When Christ was on the earth he healed the sick, raised the dead, and established his church. He called apostles and gave them God's power and authority so that they could teach the gospel to others and effectively run the church. Jesus also accomplished the Atonement, which allows us to be able to repent of our sins and be resurrected just like he was. After Christ was killed, resurrected, and left the earth, his apostles were killed and the gospel was taken away.

When the circumstances were right, Heavenly Father once again reached out to His children in love. He called a young man named Joseph Smith as a prophet. Through him the fulness of the gospel of Jesus Christ was restored to the earth. Joseph Smith and his family members were deeply religious and constantly sought for truth. But many ministers claimed to have the true gospel. Joseph desired 'to know which of all the sects was right.'

He later wrote: 'So great were the confusions and strife among the different denominations, that it was impossible for a person young as I was… to come to any certain conclusion who was right and who was wrong… who of all these parties are right; or, are they all wrong together? If any one of them be right, which is it, and how shall I know it?' He turned to the Bible for guidance. He read 'If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.'

Because of this passage, Joseph decided to ask God what he should do. In the spring of 1820 he went to a nearby grove of trees and knelt in prayer. He described his experience:

'I saw a pillar of light exactly over my head, above the brightness of the sun, which descended gradually until it fell upon me… When the light rested upon me I saw two Personages, whose brightness and glory defy all description, standing above me in the air. One of the spake unto me, calling me by name and said, pointing to the other -This is My Beloved Son. Hear Him!"

In this vision God the Father and His Son, Jesus Christ, appeared to Joseph Smith. The Savior told Joseph not to join any of the churches, for they 'were all wrong." Even though many good people believed in Christ and tried to understand and teach His gospel, they did not have the fulness of truth or the priesthood authority to baptize and perform other saving ordinances. As God had done with Adam, Noah, Moses, and other prophets, He called Joseph Smith to be a prophet through whom the fulness of the gospel was restored to the earth. A living prophet directs the Church today. This prophet, the President of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, is the authorized successor to Joseph Smith."

"God loves His children, so He provided a convincing way to confirm the truth of what we have said. It is the Book of Mormon. Prim, would you mind reading Moroni 1:4-5?" he asked, handing the book to her.

She accepted the book, looking at it carefully and started off, "And when ye shall receive these things, I would exhort you that ye would ask God, the Eternal Father, in the name of Christ, if these things are not true; and if ye shall ask with a sincere heart, with real intent, having faith in Christ, he will manifest the truth of it unto you, by the power of the Holy Ghost. And by the power of the Holy Ghost ye may know the truth of all things," she finished, handing his back the book.

"God doesn't expect you to just take our word for it. He wants to tell you Himself that it's true and that He loves you. He wants to comfort you when you're sad, and bring peace and comfort to your hearts. He wants to open the windows of heaven and pour blessings down upon you that you can't even imagine right now. Our message tonight is that God is just waiting for you to ask Him if what we're telling you is true, he wants you to read the Book of Mormon and ask him if it is truly is his message to us.

I testify that it is. I know that this is the true gospel that it is the same church that Jesus Christ organized when he was on the earth. I know that the Book of Mormon is the word of God and I know that Joseph Smith was truly called by God to be a prophet. I know that living this gospel and keeping God's commandments has blessed my life in ways that seem impossible and I know that whatever happens to me, if I keep my faith in Jesus Christ bright, I can do anything, I can overcome anything, and that I can have joy and happiness all the days of my life."

Silence, loud deafening silence fills the room as we all just sit there reflecting on what the Elders have just said. Questions churn in my head and I'm finally the one who breaks the silence.

"How do you know that?" Looking back it, came out much more aggressively then I had intended. Even though I was addressing Elder Mellark it was Elder Odair who answered.

"We learned this truth the same way that you can. We prayed about it and felt the truth burning in our hearts. In answer to our prayers, the Holy Ghost will teach us truth through our feelings and thoughts. Feelings that come from the Holy Ghost are powerful, but they are also usually gentle and quiet. As we begin to feel that what we are learning is true, we will desire to know all that we can about the Restoration."

Elder Mellark seems to have caught himself up, "Will you read and pray to know that the Book of Mormon is the word of God? Will you pray to know that Joseph Smith was a prophet?"

Suddenly all this is too much, there's too much information, too many new ideas, just an hour ago I didn't know anything about Joseph Smith, and now they are asking me to read a book I didn't know existed, and pray to a God I just told them I'm not even sure is there. Think about it, sure, look at a pamphlet, maybe, but read a whole book and pray? This is too much all at once.

Their question was to all of us but Prim is the only one to answer, "yes I will read but I don't know how to pray."

"That's ok, in fact, can we leave this message with you and end with a prayer?" He turns to Gale for permission, who gives a short curt non committal nod.

Elder Mellark kneels down and begins, "Our dear Father in Heaven, we are so grateful for the opportunity to meet with Gale and his family and share your message of the restored gospel with them. We are grateful for their hospitality, their time, and their attention. Heavenly Father, we know that this is a special family and that you love them very much. We know that you want to share the truth with them so that they might be happy and live lives of peace and comfort. We know that you have many blessings waiting for them. We ask you now Father, to bless them with an added measure of your Spirit so that as they read and pray, that the truthfulness of the gospel will be made clear unto them. We ask for your protection on us and all in this household until we meet again. In the name of Jesus Christ amen."


	5. Chapter 4

"What are you doing here?" Haymitch barked at me from the corner of the hob.

It wasn't really the greeting I was expecting, but whatever. "I'm here to work."

"Obviously. But you're not scheduled today, so again, what are you doing here?"

Ok, now he got me. He's right, I'm not scheduled today but, being out of school is really different. Before, I had my whole day planned out for me, school, work, sleep, and repeat. But now that I'm out, I really only have work planned, and even then it's not enough to fill my day. I've been doing the working part time at the Hob thing for the three weeks since schools been out and to be honest, it's not a very fulfilling life. I like it here, it's an easy job and as grumpy and irritating as he is, I kind of like Haymitch, I have my regular customers and make enough money to get by. So when I got bored at home, I figured that I could come down to work, make a little bit of extra money, because up until this point, I really didn't have anywhere else to go.

"I figured I could come down and help out," was my only reply.

"Well, I feel really special that you want to spend your free time with me, but the thing is, I already have Glimmer here working... as scheduled... and I can't afford to have anyone else here right now."

"Fine, you don't have to pay me wages, I'll just work for tips."

"Yeah, see, again, there's the problem of you snaking Glimmers tables away from her, and then she'll get mad and start complaining and you know how much I like that. Then she'll quit and I'll be out a really good server and then I will probably die, so it's probably best all the way around if you just come back when you're scheduled. Not that I don't enjoy your company."

He outs his newspaper back up and effectively blocks me out of his view. I'm used to him being a jerk but I wasn't expecting anything other than joy at the offer of basically free labor. I put on a deep scowl and stand there gawking at him. It takes a minute but he finally realizes that in still there he lowers his newspaper and sighs "sit down, sweetheart."

I know a lecture is coming and I know that I can just run away to avoid it but I've lived life by my own rules for long enough and it hasn't really gotten me anywhere fun, and in his own worthless way, I know Haymitch cares, so I decide to listen. Besides, if I put up with his crap long enough maybe he'll relent and let me stay, because honestly, I don't know where else to go.

"Tell me sweetheart, how many old people do you see working here?"

"Besides you?"

"Oh yes, excellent come back, I'm very proud. But yes, actually I'm talking about me and Sae. Do you want to be our age and still working here making maybe $10 an hour?"

I hadn't really thought about it, the ultra long term. I figured that I would handle the future the same way as I did everything else, deal with it when it comes. Not answering must have indicated to him that I agreed, that I was in desperate need of his advice.

"There's going to come a time when you're going to want, and need, more than a part time, minimum wage job. The question is will you take the opportunity you have now to go to college while you're young or are you going to wait until you're old and decrepit like me and look back on what might have been?"

His self-depreciating humor was always lacking, at best. I'm irritated and storm out of the hob. He might be right, but that's not the point, he doesn't have the right to lecture me about life. He's spent most of his life drunk, what does he know?

"The man who drank his life away might know a little bit about regrets," said the little voice in my head that sounded like my father.

The view from my spot on the rock was beautiful, like always, but because it was around noon it was frickin hot. I couldn't take it in the sun anymore so I take my bow and arrows and head deeper into the woods. I'm getting better at shooting but mostly from a stable standing position, to hit a stationary target relatively close range.

I knock an arrow and practice shooting further away, then turning side to side and hitting trees that come into view from an awkward angle. I'm really going to have to practice this more. Eventually my fingers start to hurt and I decide to take a break up in a tree.

Climbing is easy for me because I'm small, light, and agile, getting up a good distance; I find a steady branch and sit on it with my back against the trunk. I've been out of school less than a month and I've spent more time in the woods than I have in the last four years combined. It's nice to have time to myself in the woods that I love it, it reminds me of my father, but I also do a lot of thinking when in here and it's starting to get irritating.

It's not just that I don't have school every day anymore but it's also that if I chose not to I don't have to have school ever again. Haymitch is right, what I have is fine for now but I look at Sae, old, her body hurts. I know she doesn't have a choice about working such long hours because she has to support the granddaughter that lives with her. She tries to have a good, if somewhat sarcastic attitude, which we all appreciate because she has a lot to complain about, but honestly, it would be painful for all of us if that's what she did all the time.

Thinking about Sae is what really hits home to me, don't get me wrong, she can be grumpy that's for sure, but I try to actually remember the last time she griped about something, and for the life of me I can't remember. I've seen her rubbing her knobby hands or taking a little bit longer to rest while on her break than she should, I've seen the bags under her eyes from staying up at night with her granddaughter that isn't quite right, but I can't remember hearing her complain about it, even to Haymitch.

And suddenly it occurs to me that yes, I've suffered, I've suffered immensely, but so have many other people, and that if they can be at least functionally happy, then maybe I can too.

"So what are you going to do?"

I forgot my voice was there, pulling me back into reality and suddenly I'm thrown back into my conversation with Haymitch. What if I'm old and have no skills and am forced to work a bizillion hours just to pay the bills? Do I want to work a hard minimum wage job or do I want to have options? I like the idea of options and I know that that luxury only comes with forward progress.

"Well, I guess I could start by going down to the college and see what my options are."

"Good girl. I like that idea."

"Don't patronize me."

"Right, of course not, sorry. So, how is our little experiment going?"

Oh yes the experiment, my brains favorite topic of conversation. I shrug.

"Being less hostile is taking a weight off your shoulders isn't it?"

"Maybe." I smile a little bit as my inner voice groans loudly in frustration, a small sense of triumph.

It's crowded and noisy in the counseling office at the community college. A very busy, but friendly woman sits at the front desk.

"Hi do you have an appointment?" Looking up she looks familiar but I can't remember where I know her from. I hope this isn't awkward. "Oh! Hi, Katniss right?"

"Yeah, hi."

"Sorry, I'm Annie, I came over to your apartment a couple of nights ago with the Cartwrights and the missionaries."

Oh right, that's it, this still might get awkward. "Oh hi," its a short response but I'm not really good at small talk and I'm hoping to avoid a religious throw down right now.

"So what can I do for you? Do you have an appointment?"

"No, actually I don't but I was hoping to meet with a counselor and see about starting classes here in the fall."

"Oh good for you. Our next appointment isn't for 2 weeks, we're swamped with the new graduates."

"Oh" was all I could say, it took me this much courage to get down here, I'm not sure if I could work myself up to this again.

Seeing my fallen and dejected face Annie thinks for a second and says, "hold on, have a seat and I'll see what I can do." I honestly hadn't expected her to do anything special for me and while maybe I appeared to be stalling a response to try to manipulate her into doing something I was truly just caught up in my own thoughts. I sit down far enough away to not seem overbearing but close enough so that I could still hear what she said on the phone.

"Hey it's Annie, I know we are super backed up but there's a personal friend of mine who would like to get in, is it possible for you to see her as a personal favor to me?... yeah... I know... sure I think it's open. Awesome thanks so much." That was quick, but seemed to go well. "Ok Katniss would a 3o'clock appointment work for you? I know that's a couple of hours away but in the mean time you can go downstairs and take the math and English placement tests and the career interest assessment. Is that ok?"

I wasn't going to tell her that I actually didn't have anything on my schedule until I go to work tomorrow afternoon and that I was happy that I could knock this all out in one shot and didn't have to work myself up to come back. "Ummm... yeah that should be fine. Thanks."

"You're welcome Katniss, it was nice seeing you again. Oh and I just wanted to let you know how much I love Prim." Wait what? As far as I knew they had only met that one time at the apartment. Seeing my confusion, and probably a little bit of my protectiveness, Annie quickly continues "she comes to church and youth activities every week and I work with the young women, so I've gotten to know her over the last several weeks and she's pretty amazing."

"She is, thanks."

I'm sitting in the counselors office 2 1/2 hours later holding my test results in my hand and waiting for her to come in. "You must be Annie's friend Katniss."

"Uhh.. yeah, I am, thanks for seeing me." She takes my results and looks over them "you have retained enough math and English skill to start in regular classes, so that's good. What would you like to major in?"

"I'm not sure actually."

"That's ok, most people don't know when they first start either. Your interest assessment says that you're fond of nature and the outdoors and that you're compassionate and caring." The last part almost made me choke. Anyone could see I love the outdoors but interested in other people… not a chance. Giving a sarcastic chuckle in reply I answer, "no, I'm not compassionate or caring."

"Well, that's the beautiful thing about this test, it's very good at discovering hidden talents and abilities. You wouldn't be the first one who doubted the results but ultimately found them to be spot on. In fact, the insights that this test gives has helped many take the same level of disbelief that you're showing me now, and turn it into a rewarding and profitable career."

Hmmm... that's interesting. "So, I'm going to give you a catalog and that will help you determine which classes you need to take to get your generals out of the way. You're registration date is July 13th and what I would suggest to you, is take some time to do volunteer work in these two areas to see what fits you best, what you like, and what likes you, probably something along the lines of healthcare and outdoorsy stuff. You'll not only gain insight into yourself but you'll also make connections and most programs require volunteer hours to be accepted, so may as well start now."

I leave her office with papers and booklets and my head swimming in information. Walking out Annie calls to me "how did everything go?"

"It was good thanks, a little bit overwhelming though."

"Oh that is absolutely true. If you want I could help you go through the catalog and try to make it a little bit more user friendly. I do this all day everyday."

Why is she so nice and helpful? I don't get it, is she making fun of me? "Ummm... yeah that would be great thanks."

It just so happens that not working today gives me the opportunity to be pestered by Prim into going to a spaghetti dinner at the church. I've never been here before, even though Prim has many times, I guess it's time I made an effort to learn more about what she's been involved in and suddenly I feel like a terrible sister for giving her a hard time about going. Many of the same people that were at the pool party are here and come up to me and say hi, it's awkward but my behavior tonight is a far cry from the pouty, scowling girl that screamed "leave me alone" while hiding in the bushes at the pool party. I can see the hesitation in their eyes as they make their way over to me. I know they are trying to be nice but I don't want their pity.

"Stop it" my little voice tells me, I've been hearing it more and more now even when I'm not in the woods. "These people are nice to Prim and they are important to her, so don't assume the worst about them. They haven't assumed the worst about you." Ouch.

I'm not actively seeking anyone out but I try to be approachable. Prim is off running around with her friends, so I sit at a table by myself and eat my spaghetti. When I see him my stomach drops, and when he makes his way over to me my heart beats a little bit faster. As always, his hand is extended, and he miraculously balances a plate of food in the other. I'm in the middle of a bite and probably look a hot mess. Quickly cleaning off my face, I shake his hand back and it turns into the longest hand shake of my life, while he looks at me with his shockingly blue eyes.

Finally he seems to snap himself out of it and asks if he can sit with me. Only a few steps behind him are Elder Odair and interestingly enough, Annie. I really hope this isn't awkward, I hope she doesn't feel like I owe her anything because while I do owe her for helping me out at the school today, I didn't ask her to. "Stop it."

"Oh hey Katniss, I didn't expect to see you. But I guess it would make sense because I knew Prim would be here." It doesn't sound like she's taking a swipe at me but for a minute I can't help but wonder. No, she wouldn't have called in a personal favor for me if she was just going to be passive aggressive later. She must see me thinking about her intentions because she quickly adds "its great to see you again." Thankfully it seems that her and Elder Odair are still in the middle of some sort of conversation because they turn all their attention to each other and their food leaving me with Elder Mellark's attention.

"I didn't expect to see you either, but I'm glad you're here," he begins.

"Thanks you too," wait what? I'm an idiot, "you too" what? I didn't expect to see him here at his own church or I'm glad he's here? One makes me look like an idiot, and the other makes me look desperate. Oh I suck at this.

He just smiles and we eat in silence for a few minutes. He finishes his food quickly, which surprises me until I remember that he's still a teenage boy and they eat a lot. I remember Gale at that age being a bottomless pit for food. After coming back with a second plate for both him and Odair, I now have his full attention.

"So have you had a chance to read the Book of Mormon and pray about it yet?" He asks so casually that I don't even flinch when I respond, "no, I've been busy."

It's not until he falls silent that I look up and see the absolute devastation on his face and I realize that mine was the wrong answer. Trying to gather himself together, he can only choke out "oh ok." I feel guilty, but why? I never promised that I would. Is it because I haven't even given a second thought to our discussion since they left the house? Is it because this nice guy shared something with me that was special to him and I basically told him that I don't care?

With my guilt festering, I start to revert back to old Katniss and get agitated with him. "Look, I never promised that I would do that, that was Prim. I told you that night that I don't even believe in God, so you shouldn't be that surprised."

And just when I thought my words couldn't destroy this boy any faster, his look of devastation turns into a look like he's just been kicked in the face and fair enough I probably just did. I feel a rock in my stomach and a lump in my throat. I abruptly scoot my chair back grab my plate of food dumping it in the trash and go grab Prim by the arm. I've obviously been to rough and hurt her because she looks at me with pain in her eyes, not just from the physical pain in her arm now, but shock and sadness from being treated so poorly by me, of all people, who's worked so hard to make sure she feels loved and safe and happy. "We're leaving," I growl at her.

"What? No! I want to stay."

"Get in the car!" I'm almost screaming at her now, why is everything a fight.

"No, you can leave, Delly will give me a ride home."

"Yeah I can take her home," Delly adds in, a little bit more forcefully than I would like.

People are watching now and I'm making a scene, great. "Fine but don't be late" I growl as I storm out of the building get in my car and peel away as fast as I can.


End file.
